I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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