my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
