Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
