Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
