did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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