Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
