dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
bring money and cleavage
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
