I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
