In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
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He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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