wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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