so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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