dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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