I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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