I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
