note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
she pinky promised me she was 18
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
