So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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