Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
