You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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