We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
