I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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