dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
