I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
