I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
