WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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