Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
