right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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