Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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