I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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