I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
