sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
