He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
