none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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