When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
