Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
