I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
