captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
