Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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