i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
