I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
