well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
