I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Randomize
