when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
