if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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