You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
