Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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