I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
