also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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