There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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