He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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