put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
