I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
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