My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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