Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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