I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Can you bring me the toilet please
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
