im about as happy as oj after his trial
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
