I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
