ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
