guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
