his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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